MARINAvsWriting

Is there any way to write something here that isn't going to sound ridiculous?

Closure.

A year ago today I woke up in a hospital in Taiwan. I was in physical and mental pain. I knew that I would end up in there eventually and I guess, that day was the day. A big reason was because I worked for a person who told me I was a waste of time, wasn’t good at what I did and that I’d never find anything better than where I was. And I believed him. Another reason was the bottle of whisky I drank.

Read the rest of this entry »

About these ads

The Hug Heard ‘Round The World

In the final installment of The Dear Diaries I graduate and “hug a lot of people and guys”. I also work up the courage to hug my long-time crush. Thank you to all of those who read these silly things. I hope you found them as funny as I did. Read the rest of this entry »

Corn Rolls

In the fifth installment of The Dear Diaries I survive my own death threats and find a graduation dress. I make yet another hair decision I can’t undo and I promise to “write later when sad”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Meet my son, Agador Aspartagus

In the fourth installment of The Dear Diaries I still struggle with the spelling of tired and find a way to ensure neither of my metaphorical children will ever have sex. P.S. The best part is the P.S. Read the rest of this entry »

First Boyfriend

In the third installment of “The Dear Diaries” series I discuss my first boyfriend and what happened to us.

Read the rest of this entry »

A bunch of loosers (sic).

In the second installment of The Dear Diaries I bitch about my mom not letting me go to the mall and discuss a raunchy dream I had. I have yet to master how to properly spell “tired”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Homecoming

I was your typical miserable teenager. So when I stumbled upon a diary from 2002 I couldn’t help but recoil in fear of what my twisted young mind emptied out on to those pages.

Read the rest of this entry »

Home Movies

You really shouldn’t leave 5-year-olds on the roof of your car but my dad needed to get the shot. There I lay, one hand gripping the edge of his white suzuki, the other gripping a milk jug filled with water. My cousins began pushing the car back and forth, my uncle yelled “Action” and I began to make it rain.

Read the rest of this entry »

Top Down, Windows Up

Jason expectedly died earlier in the day and I was furious with myself for crying so much. I could tell my tears were making Allen nervous. I wish it were more socially appropriate to carry on a conversation while crying. Read the rest of this entry »

20. Tell a Story at a Moth Event [Theme: Home]

I was 16 when I tried to commit suicide. I remember standing on the edge of the roof of my family’s home, looking past my toes when my mom stepped out for a cigarette. She made eye contact with me, realized what I was trying to do and yelled:

Read the rest of this entry »

The Things I’ve Done

When I was in high school, I fell in love with a man named Lucas. He was older than me, wore all black and drove a motorcycle. But I knew Lucas and I would never end up together. For one, I was awkward and scared of anything I thought could get me pregnant and for two he was a fictional character from the movie Empire Records.

Read the rest of this entry »

Yes Smoking!

I am leaning out the window of my childhood bedroom. My hips are propped on the frame and my left hand is planted on the garage roof below. My right hand is holding a cigarette. I know that at any moment my mother may burst in and catch me smoking. If she does, she’ll probably slam the window shut; trapping my upper half outside and leaving my lower half exposed for a good ol’ fashioned spanking. But that’s just the risk I’ll have to take right now.

Read the rest of this entry »

P.S. A Break Up Letter

Dear Taiwan,

You’re so cute. Look at you, under all of your umbrella-riddled glory. Oh my god! Is that a peace sign you’re making with your fingers? Peace be with you too. Can a Jew even say that? This one can!

Read the rest of this entry »

Four Jokes and A Funeral

My least favorite time was when two men were performing sexual favors on each other. What they were doing didn’t bother me as much as the fact that they weren’t listening to me. They were in a dark corner at the back of the room, making sure third base was thoroughly satisfied before they’d leave the bar to hit that home run we all so desperately crave.

Read the rest of this entry »

Journalism is Dead (To Me)

I want to make one thing clear: I do not think “journalism is dead.” In fact, I think journalism is the ‘Madonna’ of professions; it will get face lifts until it outlives us all. This is a post about my decision to stop trying to be a journalist.
Read the rest of this entry »

Why don’t you write more?

Every morning around 6 am I get home from work. I shield my eyes from the sun and scuttle into my apartment. I stare at the computer for two hours before adjusting my glare to the ceiling. Sometimes I fall asleep. Most of the time I don’t.

Read the rest of this entry »

30 Before 30

We were going to be famous. We were so excited about our idea, a second bottle of wine was opened just for the occasion. “We’ll call it 30 before 30!” Tessa yelled as her wine sloshed back and forth in the glass. I was frantically writing everything down. Read the rest of this entry »

For the love of Brazilian waxes

I wasn’t sure if the woman about to go to second base with me spoke English or not, but she had delicate features and a nice smile so I trusted her. Read the rest of this entry »

Stand Up, Taipei!

Some friends and family have been asking what it’s like to tell jokes in Taiwan. Here ya go! Read the rest of this entry »

DKK in NYC

“I’m not that kind of girl!” Dan squealed, his eyes twinkling under the florescent lights. We’d stopped for a couple of glasses of wine before heading to Juilliard. I felt like the Queen of New York. Lightly resting his fingertips on the rim of his wine glass, he leaned in to tell me something juicy and wonderful. Read the rest of this entry »

Note to self.

I found this note I wrote to myself: Read the rest of this entry »

FOUND&LOST

I am sucker for handwritten notes. Any kind, really, but especially ones I find in public. I feel sneaky peaking into someone else’s life through their writing. The notes are usually; grocery lists, nonsensical words, numbers, etc.

Today I found this little treat folded up on top of some moisturizer at a department store in Dazhi: Read the rest of this entry »

In a New York State of Mind pt. 2

I started writing here when I moved to New York with the intention of chronicling every lesson I’d learned after college, it wouldn’t feel right not to have a summary. Here it is: Read the rest of this entry »

A Quarter-Life Crisis

“If you were stranded on an island and could only bring three things what would they be?” I hated playing this game in summer camp. Do your parents count as two things? What kind of outlets does this island have? Do they speak a different language? Will there be boys there? The answers didn’t really matter because I always ended up choosing the same things; my parents, beanie baby collection and stuffed dog, Lucky. Read the rest of this entry »

Playin’ Catch Up

Sprinting through the airport, I vowed to start exercising the second I got to Taiwan. There are multiple reasons why I hate running through airports, first and foremost: my travel backpack. As if my 5′ 2” frame and chronic baby-weight don’t already make me look like high schooler, running with a backpack surely seals the deal. Read the rest of this entry »

Jay’s Rules: A Father’s Day Eulogy

Five black dresses hung in my dressing room; two were too small, one made me look like a hussie, one had a curious stain on it and the other one was perfect for emulating the body of a pregnant woman. I went with the dress that made me look like a hussie. Exactly one day and a handful of hours later, I was tugging at that dress in front of 30 people I didn’t know, three people I knew, and a casket. Read the rest of this entry »

6 Months Ago

I didn’t publish this in January because I felt like it was too narcissistic. Now I’ve learned to be proud of the little things.

A 2011 annual report for this blog – by WordPress.
Read the rest of this entry »

Just Pray

He stuck his fist out in front of him and looked at me with a comical sense of seriousness, “Are you with me?” I’d never been in a bar fight before. The situation sounded anecdotally appetizing, but I’d never fully developed into the bottle-breaking, bar-fighting, bad-ass I needed to be for this situation. I clenched my fist even tighter around the little slip of paper as I shoved it into my pocket. Read the rest of this entry »

Career Day

“A TOAST!” Leslie yelled, smashing her butter knife against a mimosa glass. It’s 1PM on New Year’s Day and I have yet to go home and yet to stop drinking. “To the Apocalypse! Let’s quit our jobs, spend our money, and have the greatest year of our lives!” Read the rest of this entry »

What Can Dr. Brown Do For You?

I started up the steps to Lewis’ apartment, I hate ending things, I really do. Why isn’t this 2002? I could just do it via AIM, but NOOOO I have to be responsible and do it to his face…ugh. After over a month of seeing him, I knew things weren’t going to work out. Read the rest of this entry »

Pot & Condoms

“Okay Marina, I have to go google Russian penis jokes for your interview tomorrow. Bye bye!” My father said not waiting for a response. I guess I should explain how we got to this point. Read the rest of this entry »

Christmas is Cancelled.

My mother covers the camera on our family computer because according to her, “The government is watching us.” Why the U.S. government is watching two retirement-aged Russians, who have yet to learn how to properly pronounce the letter ‘V’, is beyond me. I try not to question my parents’ antics so I don’t run out of things to write about. Read the rest of this entry »

Big Girls Do Cry

“I love you,” he said. There is a point in the night where Brooklyn gets really quiet and really beautiful. It’s at this point everyone on the street falls in love with whatever is closest. For Gio, the closest whatever was me.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dimitry Eugenovich*

“I don’t know, ‘Dimitry’ is not a name you can scream out in the sack,” Leslie said looking up from the email I’d forwarded her. “Okay but how do I look in this dress?” I had 15 minutes to get ready for my first (and hopefully last) blind date. If I’d utilized my roommate’s date-reasoning, I probably would’ve avoided my last two nightmarish relationships. Read the rest of this entry »

Zipper Dee Doo Dah

There comes a time in every strong, independent, single girl’s life when she can’t zip her dress all the way. At this time, she crumbles to the floor in a pile of teary worthlessness and decides it’s time to start dating again. Read the rest of this entry »

Stopping to Start

“видиш это?”

“О да, прямо там?”

“да. Я думаю что нужно биопсии.”

What followed was a series of events that culminated into a “hypochondriacal break down” as my psychologist would later call it (but that’s in a few posts). Read the rest of this entry »

Don’t Get Mad, Get Vlad!

My dad wore a Speedo to our neighborhood swimming pool when I was little. I had two choices; die of embarrassment or become a humorist — I chose both.

Read the rest of this entry »

U R A RA?

A pink thong greeted me as I got off the elevator. I wouldn’t have thought it to be that weird if it wasn’t still attached to its owner.

Read the rest of this entry »

Olga Shifrin vs. Kübler-Ross

“The worst part of going through labor is you’re not allowed to smoke a celebratory cigarette in the emergency room,” according to my mother. My mom is a certifiable badass. Read the rest of this entry »

An Open Letter to the Man who yelled “Show your vagina!”

Dear Mr. Heckler,

I first would like to apologize for not succumbing to your requests. As a comedienne and entertainer, it is my priority that every one who sees me perform – whether by choice or not – enjoy themselves as much as possible.

Read the rest of this entry »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 485 other followers