The Things I’ve Done
by marinashifrin
When I was in high school, I fell in love with a man named Lucas. He was older than me, wore all black and drove a motorcycle. But I knew Lucas and I would never end up together. For one, I was awkward and scared of anything I thought could get me pregnant and for two he was a fictional character from the movie Empire Records.
Although I love everything Lucas says, my favorite line is, “I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do.” This became a mantra for me. I used to chant it under my breath when I needed to make a decision. Should go to school in Missouri? I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do. Should I take that job in New York? I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do. Should I order ribs on a first date? I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do. Should I move to Taiwan? I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do. So it went.
The first Friday I was in Taiwan, my coworkers invited me out for drinks. I got all dolled up and made sure to wear my super tight skirt which was hard to get into and even harder to get out of — you know — to avoid getting into trouble. But when it came time to head out, a majority of my coworkers had to stay past their shift to wrap up projects they were working on. The problem with working in a newsroom-like environment is news never sleeps. So, if you get stuck with a developing story, you’re also stuck with a later shift. While I waited for the rest of the team, Martti — an attractive coworker, who didn’t speak much English — invited me to see what it felt like to get acupuncture done. I wasn’t too sure I wanted to do it. Not because I am squeamish or anything, it’s just that if I wanted to get pricked by strangers on a Friday night, I would’ve gone dancing.
But, I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do, so I said ‘yes’.
On the ride there, I imagined an old Taiwanese woman escorting me through a tree-lined trail where I’d be greeted by the acupuncturist. He’d probably be a yoda-buddha hybrid and might even tell me my fortune as he gently stuck acupuncture needles in between my shoulder blades.
You can imagine my surprise when we pulled up to a gritty health clinic packed with tired women and small children. It looked like the kind of place that would recycle used heroin needles. Turns out there needs to be something wrong with you to get acupuncture. Through a combination of charades and iPhone translate, Martti and I made up the fact that I was having trouble sleeping (a.k.a jet lag) and breathing problems (a.k.a B.S.). I quickly learned this was not the correct combination of fake ailments.
I watched Martti’s face grow redder as the doctor explained what needed to be done. We were led into a special room with a paper partition where Martti told me that to improve my breathing and sleep patterns, the needles would have to be inserted into my buttocks. That’s obviously where your lungs are located in Taiwan.
“If you need. I’m sit here!” Martti yelled from the other side of the partition.
“No problem!” I looked at my super tight skirt and my heart sank. The only way for me to get needles stuck in my ass was if I completely took off the skirt.
So there I was, lying with my underwear around my knees, as a small Taiwanese lady is jamming needles into my butt. Just as I begin to think it’s not that bad, Martti piped in again. “You feel wave now.”
“Wave?”
“Wave.”
Seconds later, I learned that to catalyze the healing powers of acupuncture, doctors may attach the needles to a small machine which shoots electric waves throughout your body. My muscles seized up. My bones rattled against each other. The shocks were coming in 2-second increments. I didn’t have time to recover. Where was my tree-lined path? Where was my Yoda-buddha!? I was duped!
Afterwards I could tell Martti felt bad, partially because of the look on his face, and partially because he paid for my drinks for the rest of the night. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or acupuncture but that night I slept like a baby.
I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do.
If you want the full low-down on “Alternative medicine” then check out Simon Singh’s book – Trick or Treatment – where Science pokes its unwelcome beaky nose into the whole business. I knew it was mostly a bunch of tut, but it turns out they’re up the wall and downright bandy. The British Chiropractors sued for what he printed… and lost.
Basically Acupuncturists believe in the imaginary flow of Ch’i, Homeopaths believe in the Life Force, Jedi believe in the ways of the Force, and the Chiropractors believe in the Innate Intelligence, whilst the recently discovered Yetis in the London Underground are followers of the Great Intelligence.
Homeopaths believe in the power of Extreme Dilution, Acupuncturists believe in bodily Meridians, and Chiropractors believe in Subluxations, with the latter have links with the Scientologists as they both profess the magical power of the Wheatstone bridge. That’s the Scientologists who believe in Dianetics and in measuring your Thetan level. Not unlike the Jedi who believe in measuring your midichlorian level.
And Steve McQueen was killed by herbal medicine.
You had me at your hilarious opening paragraph. Funny stuff.
*Note to self – think twice before trusting attractive men named Martti*
Thanks Thomas! I know Martti is all trouble.
I think I saw you in the YouTube Rewind video! Good job!
Also, your stories are awesome! Keep them coming.
Double thank you!
Should I read Marina’s new story?
I do not regret the things I’ve done but those I did not do.
I read it and it was awesome. no regrets.
I’ve had acupuncture a few times but never with electrical waves! That would be scary!.
I just randomly decided to give your blog a try after watching your video. I usually don’t read blogs, like ever, but there’s just something in your writing that just keeps me hooked to it. This would probably be the only blog that I read so please never stop writing.
This is such a high compliment, Neil, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Thank you so much. I will keep writing because I am very obedient. Sometimes.
Every single word it is worth reading
Youssef! Thank you so much. What a huge thing for someone who is obsessed with words.
Dude, you have such charming personality, and your writing rocks as well! Thanks for being awesome ^^
Gah, I blush. Thank you.
I’ve just discovered your blog after reactivating my Twitter account and wondering who Marina was that I followed. After re-watching your ‘quit’ video I’m hooked with your writing and stories. Thank you also for the inspiration which is coming in waves making me want to change things in the next year.
I thought this was awesome Marina! Keep the stories coming.
Also where in MO did you go to school?
Damn the man! Save the Empire!
Joshua
My favourite Lucas quote comes in the conversation with AJ.
A.J.: Lucas, do you think it’s possible for a person to be in love with someone else and not even know it?
Lucas: In this life there are nothing but possibilities.
A.J.: Well, that’s good, because I have to tell Corey I love her by 1:37.
Lucas: That’s an excellent time.
I can’t speak to the efficacy of acupuncture having never explored this option (yet!) however my husband did it for awhile for his back (to relieve pain from a spinal ligament tear). During one treatment the acupuncturist put a needle in a spot that had an immediate affect – it somehow triggered the need to go pee. So, there’s the poor guy laying draped and face down on a donut hole table starting to squirm and saying “ummmmm, ummmmm!”. The acupuncturist apologizing in her broken English, immediately removed the needle and placed it in a slightly different spot which ended the need to piss……..to my husbands great relief (pun intended 🙂 ) So, the placement of the needles do have an affect – it just may not be the one you’re looking for (good thing there was no ‘wave’ attached to that one!).
[…] home and didn’t kill anyone. Hell yea.” I get a twinge of sadness. I make it a point to live without regrets, but I wish from the bottom of my core that I kept documenting those silly stories, dreams, goals […]