Pot & Condoms

by marinashifrin

“Okay Marina, I have to go google Russian penis jokes for your interview tomorrow. Bye bye!” My father said not waiting for a response. I guess I should explain how we got to this point.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Luckily for me, I cemented my answer at age 6: retired.

I decided to stop at nothing until I got to my dream job. And everyone knows the best way to reach retirement by age 40 is to work your ass off.

So it began; first I was a babysitter, golf caddy, soon I added waitress and then hostess to the list. Oh it didn’t stop there; I became a camp counselor, resident advisor, desk attendent and moved on to ad sales. Often holding two to three jobs at a time. I easily surpassed the 10-job mark before college graduation.

That is why, while at my current job, I decided to peruse the part-time writing section of Craigslist. Why not? I only had two jobs, I could take on some side work. It was a matter of minutes before this title caught my eye: Looking for a Copy Writer (double entendre + tongue in cheek = a must). Interesting.

The thing about applying for jobs when you already have a few, is you don’t have the prospect of your parent’s basement looming overhead, thus eliminating desperation.

Deciding to break out of tradition, I sent the poster a video of me doing stand up and my resume in an email titled “My Tongue Was Surgically Attached to My Cheek at Age 12”.

The next day I was on a train heading to meet the man of this “three year old company that develops unique consumer packaged goods”. I treat job interviews very similar to how I treat first dates except with less alcohol and more flirting — I want to lay it all out there so my employer knows what he’s getting into.

“Do you smoke pot?” Benjamin asked me over our coffees and my portfolio (only in New York right?).

Last time I smoked pot, I took a couple of hits — stood up, and calmly explained to the room full of people I’d just met that I had passed away due to my inexperience with marijuana. After thanking them for their hospitality, I lay down in the middle of the living room and began anticipating the afterlife.

Needless to say, I don’t really smoke pot. So when my potential new boss asked me if I did, I was thrown off guard. Do I say ‘yes’ and lie? Or do I say ‘no’ and seem too conservative? Sticking to my honesty policy I told him no.

As the interview continued I learned what it was that he needed from me. Are you guys sitting down? Okay good. He needed a copywriter to come up with jokes, blog posts and newsletters to advertise his product: Condoms.

Not just any ol’ condoms, but condoms with personal messages, commentary on current events and anything your heart desires printed on the packaging. Benjamin told me he was still interviewing, but was interested in having a second interview with me. I was barely out the coffee shop before I called my dad breathless.

“Do you know how awesome this is going to be for my blog? I can title the post Pot & Condoms! I’ll get more clicks then the time I put vagina in post titl-” My dad cut me off, “Okay Marina, I have to go google Russian penis jokes for your interview tomorrow. Bye bye!”

I am proud to say I did end up getting hired, bringing me one step closer to my dream profession of retirement. But what I really want to say to you, my dear readers, is work hard, apply somewhere everyday and scrap conventionality. These three things are bound to bring you to your dream job regardless of what it is.

Lesson #21: Don’t do drugs, unless you are good at it.