Zipper Dee Doo Dah
There comes a time in every strong, independent, single girl’s life when she can’t zip her dress all the way. At this time, she crumbles to the floor in a pile of teary worthlessness and decides it’s time to start dating again.
It’s incredible how much self-esteem is contingent upon a metal zipper from Urban Outfitters. Did you know I actually considered giving $5 to Mo (from the deli around the corner) to zip me up? Although, judging from our last exchange, I am sure he would’ve gladly done it for free…
If I were flexible enough, or my dress cut differently, we could’ve avoided the “I’m going to die alone in a half zipped dress” blowout of 2011.
From the lack of posts about my favorite subject — men — you could probably tell I took a little break from the dating game. Not a long break, just long enough for my cynical bitterness to turn into sassy prose.
On a side note, if any of you D-bags who caused my dating hiatus are reading this; don’t worry, you’ll get yours — just not in this post.
Before I launch into a description of my most recent date, (risking the chance of embarrassing my flavor of the week; who, judging by the fact he is still interested, has not discovered my blog yet)* I wanted to look back at Marina’s Greatest Hits: the Relationship Edition. Here is a list of 10 things I have learned, decided and promised I would apply to all my relationships from now on.
Top 10 Dating Commandments:
10. Contrary to what romantic comedies imply, your best guy friend will not figure out that you have been in love with him for 13 years even if you try to catalyze the process with alcohol and tears.
9. Do a bad job of shaving your legs at the beginning of the relationship so he thinks your skin is naturally coarse and sand papery (you’ll thank me later).
8. A good way to gauge whether you have an honest guy is by tucking your dress into your underwear and seeing if he says anything. Really take note of how and when he says something, both of these can also be indicators of his character.
7. If your ex happens to be doing stand-up, wait to see if he brings up the time you farted yourself awake before telling the cute guy next to you the he is talking about your relationship.
6. Every girl is different, but I like to wait until at least the third date before he sees me crying and eating at the same time.
5. If you want to break up but don’t know how, take him to IKEA. This works especially well if you have small children.
4. Bring the crazy on the first date so he knows what he is getting into; I personally like to discuss my reproductive problems, unhealthy love for Michael Jackson and when he thinks he can meet my dad.
3. It doesn’t matter if he is gay, straight or bi, if he is a doctor my parents will automatically love him.
2. Do not date a vegetarian unless he eats meat.
1. Refrain from eating Chipotle, or any other food with a 1,600+ calorie count, loads of cheese and beans, until after you’re married.
Lesson #17: Learn to love cats…lots of them.
If you have any dating commandments to share please do:
*UPDATE: I never saw him again after this post written.