Cold Turkey

by marinashifrin

Update: Due to unforeseen circumstances I am back at work. Which is ironic if you read the whole post. It’s a long complicated story that I can’t romanticize on this blog, BUT I don’t believe in pulling down posts. Maybe more to come about this, but probably not.

Double Update: Look out for a post with an update on the update. 

My computer at work takes a while to load and I hate unhappy people: These two facts were about to change my life.

My boss leaned back in his chair, I knew the lean well. He would lean closer, reread the final points in his email, click send and then call me into a meeting.

I frantically typed in ‘horoscope’ into the Yahoo! search bar.*

*I would like to pause the story here to say yes, I do Yahoo! Yes, I know it’s not 1996. I am not even going to address the fact that I base my career decisions off Yahoo! horoscopes. I am so embarrassed about that I wouldn’t even want to give it any added attention.

The blank page popped open and my heart crawled into my throat.

Loading…

Click. “Let’s Meet!” My boss barked over his shoulder.

Loading…

My nose tickled and tears welled up in my eyes. I aborted the mission. I had to make this decision on my own.

We sat down and he began, “As you know we want to offer you a promotion.”

My mind shutoff.

I thought about my last week; earthquakes, hurricanes, love and proposals of escaping responsibilities to go on the road with a band (more to come). That last week when I thought I was going to die, when I thought I was in love and when I thought I was a rockstar.

My bosses question brought me back to earth.

“I need to know how you see yourself growing the website?”

I was gone again. 

Working for a personal finance website, I always knew what was next: I would show up at 9:30 a.m., sign on to gchat, complain that if I read one more Bank of America story I’d jump put the window. Read some more Bank of America stories, think about jumping out the window. Then leave at 6:30 p.m. sharp. I was unhappy. I hate unhappy people.

“Marina?”

“Yeah, I um,” I, um, truly didn’t know what my next sentence is at this point. “I want to be a writer, but not a financial writer. I think, it would be best for the company if I resign.”

Anyone who knows me, knows I never missed class, I never missed work and generally don’t do things that aren’t meticulously mapped out.

But I am getting one chance at this life, and if I’m not taking risks, if I’m not chasing after my dreams if I always know what’s next, then I’m not living 100%. I just need to figure out what those dreams are.

Oh, and by the way my horoscope did finally load:

I’m not taking this one back.

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